Birds and Bees Chat

A little boy goes to his father and asks

"Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers:

"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared. that said:





You got Male!

Crack in the Airplane window..Unbelievable!

Pretty scary as USAir is one the predominant carriers in our little market.

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!

Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame! Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on.
This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9. I'll definitely think twice before flying USAir.

YOU GOTTA LOVE THIS ONE

THIS IS A CEILING MURAL IN A SMOKER'S LOUNGE.

THE NEW "AGEING" ALPHABET

A is for apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!!
May your troubles be less, your blessings be more
and nothing but Happiness come through your door.

Suicidal Railways

THE POINTS WERE 30 YEARS OLD

A 30-YEAR-OLD set of points was last night being blamed for the Cumbria train crash.

They are believed to have broken apart as the Virgin high-speed train thundered into them at 95mph, causing carriages to jump off the track.

Yesterday Network Rail, which maintains the railways, said the points were inspected at the beginning of the month and some maintenance work was carried out on the track there last week. It plans to check up to 700 more sets across the UK.

Investigators are believed to be looking at whether nuts and bolts on the points had come undone after there were reports of loose bolts found near the scene.

Experts believe the points broke under the weight of the train which caused the wheels to derail.

Rail expert Roy Bell, who maintained the points where the accident happened for 11 years until 1998, said: "I know that part of track like the back of my hand. It appears the points became loose because of either poor maintenance or mechanical failure. It's just like Potters Bar, when the points failed killing seven people, all over again."

John Armitt, chief executive of Network Rail, said: "A points failure can be due to various causes. I have to live with the reality that it could be something that has gone wrong on our watch."

Last night Bob Crow of the RMT Union said: "We appear to have a carbon copy of Potters Bar where nuts and bolts came off at the points. Why haven't learned any lessons from that? It is beyond belief."

Safer Rides at a Theme Park or Fairground

It seems to me that no matter what, the government of the day will continue to lie to us about everything,especially when it comes to our safety.
Privatisation was supposed to make business responsible for our rail network and ensure our safety. It doesn't do that, it just takes the liability away from the politicians and lets them off the hook. We can't point a finger at them and ask why this has happened, they will just refer you to the Network Rail executives and say that an inquiry will be held in due course. Really, aren't we still waiting for the Potters Bar report, some years later?

If you want a thrilling ride with gut wrenching, terrifying experiences, then go visit a theme park or fairground, its much safer than the rail network and far cheaper.

So Whats Next, the National Health Service?

This is why Phoney Tony wants to privatise the NHS, so he can say its not his fault when people catch MRS and die in hospital, or you have to wait for over a year to be seen by a specialist.
Its the cowards way out, he hasn't got the balls to own up to anything that goes wrong under his leadership, the words 'I'm sorry' are impossible for him to actually express, he has a speech impediment along with a mental blockage that prevents him from uttering these words. Even if he did manage to achieve the impossible, it would lack conviction and sincerity.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR PHONEY TONY TO GO

He has overstayed his welcome and he should leave now and respect the will of the voters, otherwise Labour will continue to lose all its credibility and they can kiss goodbye to the next election.
One thing is certain, Gordon Brown isn't up to the job, he should face a challenge from someone who can show strong leadership and command the respect of the voters. No one on the cabinet past and present can really do any good other than foul up the whole mess, so it should be someone new, someone untainted by the Blair/Brown way of doing things and someone not afraid to retire Brown and replace him with a good chancellor who understands the needs of the voters.
As with Thatcher, it has come to the time when the people have had enough and demand a change, we are all tired of the same old rhetoric, the same evasive way they answer questions and WE ARE ALL TIRED OF HEARING BLAIR AND CO BLAME EVERYTHING ON THE CONSERVATIVES.
Too much water under the bridge for them to continue doing that now.

A Slow Sunday

Why the hell is the whole internet talking about Shutdown Day?
http://www.shutdownday.org/

Politically Correct

Politically Correct Terms For Males
He does not get : DRUNK, He becomes : CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
He does not : SEND YOU FLOWERS, He commits : BOTANICAL BRIBERY
He will never : GROW BALD, He will become : FOREHEAD ENHANCED
He does not wear : TOO MUCH COLOGNE, He commits : FRAGRANCE ABUSE
He is not : IMMATURE, He is : CHRONOLOGICALLY IMPAIRED
He is not : GOOD LOOKING, He is : OPTICALLY SUPERIOR
He is not : DULL, He is : CHARM FREE
He is not : A GOOD KISSER, He is : ORALLY SKILLED
He does not have : A NICE CHEST, He is : PECTORALLY SUPERIOR
He does not : SNORE, He is : NASALLY REPETITIVE
He does not have : A GREAT TAN, He is : PIGMENTALLY ENHANCED
He will never get a : BEER BELLY, He will become : ABDOMINALLY EXTENDED
He does not have : A NICE BUTT, He is a : WELL-ROUNDED INDIVIDUAL
He does not have : A GREAT BODY, He is : ANATOMICALLY GIFTED
He does not get : DRUNK, He is : ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

Politically Correct Terms For Females
She does not have : BIG HOOTERS, Her : CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not : TOO SKINNY, She is : SKELETALLY PROMINENT
She does not : SHAVE HER LEGS, She experiences : TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not : SUN BATHE, She experiences : SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never : SAG, They will : LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not : SHOP TOO MUCH, She is : OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She is not : EASY, She is : HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not : HATE SPORTS ON TV, She is : ATHLETICALLY BIASED
You do not ask her : TO DANCE, You request a : PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not : A GOSSIP, She is a : VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not : WORK OUT TOO MUCH, She is an : ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have : A GREAT BUTT, She is : GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not : HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS, She is : MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not : COLD OR FRIGID, She is : THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not : GET PMS, She becomes : HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not : WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP, She is : COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have : GREAT CLEAVAGE, Her breasts are : CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never : GAIN WEIGHT, She will become : A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not : A SCREAMER, She is : VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not have : A KILLER BODY, She is : TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not : A BAD COOK, She is : MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not : A BAD DRIVER, She is : AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She does not : GET DRUNK, She becomes : VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She does not : CUT YOU OFF, She becomes : VOCALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have : BIG HAIR, She is : OVERLY AEROSOLED

For my money this is a load of rubbish as is anything that prevents you from speaking your mind. If you are old and infirm or you are ESN then you excused the faux pas, but ordinary people are instructed to learn a new language, a new way of communicating their thoughts and expressions.

I agree that there are certain words that should be lost in history and never used again, but every day we are told that its now wrong to say this, that or the other, in case we cause offence. Just who are these people who are so offended?
No the trouble is that this pathetic government has let loose the imbeciles on us, its called 'Care in the community' and these pathetic individuals are determined to interfere with our lives.
These self same imbeciles walk down the lane where I live, remote and in the country, following an ordinance survey map, until they come to the part in the lane where the byway is flooded and impassable. At this point is the gateway to the drive which leads into the grounds of my farm house which is above the water line, but none the less the garden is still wet and muddy. It's obvious to anyone that this is private property, there is a house in the middle of a 1 acre block of land, all fenced off. Now these 'Green laners' who insist on using old byways by right, think nothing of walking onto my property and making a mud bath with their boots whilst they try to find a way through my grounds around the flooded lane. They never stop to ask permission or even attempt to keep off the plants that are growing there, instead they take it as their right to march through my property.

Well, a pox on them and their kind, I will resist them with force if necessary and throw their bodies in the lime pit, damned if I will allow such pathetic, morally bankrupt, mentally retarded, self righteous, illegitimate offspring interfere in my life.