Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife went in for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on about neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable -- an entire laundry list of unmet needs she'd endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, asked her to stand, then embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman, deeply moved, quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I fish on Fridays."

Still hiding away

Usually at this time of year I go around the pubs I visited over Christmas and the New Year, to apologise for my behaviour. This year is different for several reasons. I have the excuse of a house move just before Christmas which as I explained to everyone who asked, was too much of a strain to allow me to enjoy the holiday, I was too exhausted to enjoy the partying and drinking.
In truth I am still trying to get over the deep embarrassment of my behaviour the year before.
I don't drink a lot, well not nowadays anyway, so when I do attend the end of year festivities I usually go overboard and behave in a foolish, childish way. Nothing bad really, I fall over, fart now and then, grin foolishly at everyone and annoy all and sundry by telling them that I think they are great people and I love them all and we must keep in touch. I'm one of those who doesn't get aggressive when drunk, quite the opposite, I love the world, even Phony Tony.
I usually go around the places in question, usually about this time to have a quiet drink and apologise to the landlord/landlady and anyone else who remembers my behaviour. Its all taken in good humour and I feel better for having done my penance and we all depart friends.
2005 Christmas was different, I'm still doing my penance and all because I let my tongue run away with me.

It seems, according to my long suffering partner that after drinking copious amounts of lager, Jack Daniels and Brandy, I became more than a little foolish.
It culminated in me asking EVERYONE, in a loud drunken slur. "Would you like to sit on my face?" Seems there were no takers, except for one guy who misheard what I said and tried to take me up on the offer, until my partner pointed out that I had actually said "SIT ON MY FACE". Silence, until I burst into a fit of giggles and promptly fell over and farted again.
I'm not a small guy, too big according to my doctor, so getting me back on my feet was a feat in itself.
The next morning after the fourth cup of tea I was told the story to which I had no recollection and as I listened appalled and embarrassed I realised it would take more than a simple apology to clean this one up, especially as I had really asked everyone, male and female.
I still haven't figured out just how to overcome the problem and when I bump into people that I know, I hold my breath waiting for some comment or other, which never happens as they are too decent to even mention it.
I know it will rear its head one day and until that time comes, I will continue as if nothing has happened, just what I'll do on that day of reckoning I'm not sure.

Final Arrangements For My Death

I've tackled the tricky subject of my demise, which I hope is still years away. Not for me the slow drawn out existence in a nursing home, paying for my keep out of my savings and pension, nor do I want to lie on a hospital bed when the last thing I see are loved ones crying at my bed side and doctors and nurses with grim faces hovering in the background, just waiting to harvest my reusable bits.
If I discover that some fatal cancer has taken hold of my body or I reach a time when I can no longer be expected to live an independent life, then I will secure a large bottle of extra strong Mogadon pills or similar and take myself off to a comedy show, preferably in London at a top venue and secure my own box with champagne, a large joint, some Belgium chocolates and a soft cushion. I want to die at the right moment, tears of laughter streaming down my cheeks and with the sound of other peoples laughter in my ears.
After I die, I want to be buried at sea, not cremated, my whole body must be consigned to Davy Jones Locker, deep six it, weighted down and sunk.
I can think of no sound that is more sensual or soporific than the sound of the sea, combined with its motion, its the most beautiful experience I have ever had, instant penile reaction.
Its my way of giving back to this earth that has amazed me, fed me, clothed me and at times left me stunned with its beauty.
The little fishes will eat my body and then the bigger fishes will eat them and so on until eventually they will be caught in the nets and served up as food. With any luck, within 12 - 18 months I'll find myself back inside at least a dozen women, however if my luck doesn't hold I could end up inside a tin of cat food on a supermarket shelf.

Why We Love Children. Cooked slowly in a moderate oven they taste just like chicken.

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stayout!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy"

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two,that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair
cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

His and Her Prayers

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong

One who loves to listen long

One who thinks before he speaks

One who'll call, not wait for weeks

I pray he's gainfully employed

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed

Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end, and always be my very best friend

Amen





MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf mute nymphomaniac with big jugs who owns a bar, a Ferrari and a fishing boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a toss

Amen

Cyber Sex - The Reality

Seven Wonders - needs no explanation

Birds and Bees Chat

A little boy goes to his father and asks

"Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers:

"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared. that said:





You got Male!

Crack in the Airplane window..Unbelievable!

Pretty scary as USAir is one the predominant carriers in our little market.

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!

Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame! Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on.
This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9. I'll definitely think twice before flying USAir.

YOU GOTTA LOVE THIS ONE

THIS IS A CEILING MURAL IN A SMOKER'S LOUNGE.

THE NEW "AGEING" ALPHABET

A is for apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!!
May your troubles be less, your blessings be more
and nothing but Happiness come through your door.

Suicidal Railways

THE POINTS WERE 30 YEARS OLD

A 30-YEAR-OLD set of points was last night being blamed for the Cumbria train crash.

They are believed to have broken apart as the Virgin high-speed train thundered into them at 95mph, causing carriages to jump off the track.

Yesterday Network Rail, which maintains the railways, said the points were inspected at the beginning of the month and some maintenance work was carried out on the track there last week. It plans to check up to 700 more sets across the UK.

Investigators are believed to be looking at whether nuts and bolts on the points had come undone after there were reports of loose bolts found near the scene.

Experts believe the points broke under the weight of the train which caused the wheels to derail.

Rail expert Roy Bell, who maintained the points where the accident happened for 11 years until 1998, said: "I know that part of track like the back of my hand. It appears the points became loose because of either poor maintenance or mechanical failure. It's just like Potters Bar, when the points failed killing seven people, all over again."

John Armitt, chief executive of Network Rail, said: "A points failure can be due to various causes. I have to live with the reality that it could be something that has gone wrong on our watch."

Last night Bob Crow of the RMT Union said: "We appear to have a carbon copy of Potters Bar where nuts and bolts came off at the points. Why haven't learned any lessons from that? It is beyond belief."

Safer Rides at a Theme Park or Fairground

It seems to me that no matter what, the government of the day will continue to lie to us about everything,especially when it comes to our safety.
Privatisation was supposed to make business responsible for our rail network and ensure our safety. It doesn't do that, it just takes the liability away from the politicians and lets them off the hook. We can't point a finger at them and ask why this has happened, they will just refer you to the Network Rail executives and say that an inquiry will be held in due course. Really, aren't we still waiting for the Potters Bar report, some years later?

If you want a thrilling ride with gut wrenching, terrifying experiences, then go visit a theme park or fairground, its much safer than the rail network and far cheaper.

So Whats Next, the National Health Service?

This is why Phoney Tony wants to privatise the NHS, so he can say its not his fault when people catch MRS and die in hospital, or you have to wait for over a year to be seen by a specialist.
Its the cowards way out, he hasn't got the balls to own up to anything that goes wrong under his leadership, the words 'I'm sorry' are impossible for him to actually express, he has a speech impediment along with a mental blockage that prevents him from uttering these words. Even if he did manage to achieve the impossible, it would lack conviction and sincerity.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR PHONEY TONY TO GO

He has overstayed his welcome and he should leave now and respect the will of the voters, otherwise Labour will continue to lose all its credibility and they can kiss goodbye to the next election.
One thing is certain, Gordon Brown isn't up to the job, he should face a challenge from someone who can show strong leadership and command the respect of the voters. No one on the cabinet past and present can really do any good other than foul up the whole mess, so it should be someone new, someone untainted by the Blair/Brown way of doing things and someone not afraid to retire Brown and replace him with a good chancellor who understands the needs of the voters.
As with Thatcher, it has come to the time when the people have had enough and demand a change, we are all tired of the same old rhetoric, the same evasive way they answer questions and WE ARE ALL TIRED OF HEARING BLAIR AND CO BLAME EVERYTHING ON THE CONSERVATIVES.
Too much water under the bridge for them to continue doing that now.

A Slow Sunday

Why the hell is the whole internet talking about Shutdown Day?
http://www.shutdownday.org/

Politically Correct

Politically Correct Terms For Males
He does not get : DRUNK, He becomes : CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
He does not : SEND YOU FLOWERS, He commits : BOTANICAL BRIBERY
He will never : GROW BALD, He will become : FOREHEAD ENHANCED
He does not wear : TOO MUCH COLOGNE, He commits : FRAGRANCE ABUSE
He is not : IMMATURE, He is : CHRONOLOGICALLY IMPAIRED
He is not : GOOD LOOKING, He is : OPTICALLY SUPERIOR
He is not : DULL, He is : CHARM FREE
He is not : A GOOD KISSER, He is : ORALLY SKILLED
He does not have : A NICE CHEST, He is : PECTORALLY SUPERIOR
He does not : SNORE, He is : NASALLY REPETITIVE
He does not have : A GREAT TAN, He is : PIGMENTALLY ENHANCED
He will never get a : BEER BELLY, He will become : ABDOMINALLY EXTENDED
He does not have : A NICE BUTT, He is a : WELL-ROUNDED INDIVIDUAL
He does not have : A GREAT BODY, He is : ANATOMICALLY GIFTED
He does not get : DRUNK, He is : ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

Politically Correct Terms For Females
She does not have : BIG HOOTERS, Her : CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not : TOO SKINNY, She is : SKELETALLY PROMINENT
She does not : SHAVE HER LEGS, She experiences : TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not : SUN BATHE, She experiences : SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never : SAG, They will : LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not : SHOP TOO MUCH, She is : OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She is not : EASY, She is : HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not : HATE SPORTS ON TV, She is : ATHLETICALLY BIASED
You do not ask her : TO DANCE, You request a : PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not : A GOSSIP, She is a : VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not : WORK OUT TOO MUCH, She is an : ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have : A GREAT BUTT, She is : GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not : HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS, She is : MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not : COLD OR FRIGID, She is : THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not : GET PMS, She becomes : HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not : WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP, She is : COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have : GREAT CLEAVAGE, Her breasts are : CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never : GAIN WEIGHT, She will become : A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not : A SCREAMER, She is : VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not have : A KILLER BODY, She is : TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not : A BAD COOK, She is : MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not : A BAD DRIVER, She is : AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She does not : GET DRUNK, She becomes : VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She does not : CUT YOU OFF, She becomes : VOCALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have : BIG HAIR, She is : OVERLY AEROSOLED

For my money this is a load of rubbish as is anything that prevents you from speaking your mind. If you are old and infirm or you are ESN then you excused the faux pas, but ordinary people are instructed to learn a new language, a new way of communicating their thoughts and expressions.

I agree that there are certain words that should be lost in history and never used again, but every day we are told that its now wrong to say this, that or the other, in case we cause offence. Just who are these people who are so offended?
No the trouble is that this pathetic government has let loose the imbeciles on us, its called 'Care in the community' and these pathetic individuals are determined to interfere with our lives.
These self same imbeciles walk down the lane where I live, remote and in the country, following an ordinance survey map, until they come to the part in the lane where the byway is flooded and impassable. At this point is the gateway to the drive which leads into the grounds of my farm house which is above the water line, but none the less the garden is still wet and muddy. It's obvious to anyone that this is private property, there is a house in the middle of a 1 acre block of land, all fenced off. Now these 'Green laners' who insist on using old byways by right, think nothing of walking onto my property and making a mud bath with their boots whilst they try to find a way through my grounds around the flooded lane. They never stop to ask permission or even attempt to keep off the plants that are growing there, instead they take it as their right to march through my property.

Well, a pox on them and their kind, I will resist them with force if necessary and throw their bodies in the lime pit, damned if I will allow such pathetic, morally bankrupt, mentally retarded, self righteous, illegitimate offspring interfere in my life.

Been busy

Missed a couple of days postings, so I'll just drop a couple of lines in here so you all know I'm still alive and kicking.
It's 11.20pm and I'm still at work and getting ready to go home but I thought I'd just have a look at other 'Old Farts' sites and stumbled on a goodie called 'Old Farts Strike Back' http://www.tradestars.net/blog/, go and have a look, its funny and well laid out, just goes to show us oldies can still hack it.

Solicitors. Do they understand the meaning of Ethics?

If you go to a solicitor for advice, do they ever say, 'Save your money, you've no chance of winning this'?
Of course not, they sit and listen to your tale of woe and nod and smile in all the right places, looking sympathetic and all the time with one eye on the clock so they can justify their bill to you. Then they suggest sending a letter to see what type of response they will get, for which they charge you. In most cases they don't really fancy your chances or their own, because if they did they would propose a speculative agreement on the basis of no win, no fee.
Terrible way to deal with people, very dishonest and very hypocritical but if you dare question their ethics they immediately put on a pained expression and claim that their time is expensive because of all the case loads they have to look after, the same case loads they took on in the same circumstances as yours. In fact I expect that if you looked at an average solicitors case load and worked out just what was worthwhile and what was rubbish and didn't stand a Buckley's chance, about 90% I reckon would be in that bracket of not worth a light but to them its manna from heaven.
So what do you do with them? You make them our very own Prime Minister and let them apply the same ethics to all our lives.
In other words, we pay taxes and let the PM do what he likes with our money. Well, I think its time for a change, lets hope the Police find something on the little fink to put him in the dock and let him feel the pain of paying unjustifiable fees to a fellow fink to defend him.
I think Honours for donations or buy an ermine here, should stitch the blighter up, that should give us all entertainment for our money.
Technorati Profile

Just another day in purgatory

Saturday was the beginning of the Presidents Day weekend in the United States. A time when they celebrate the great leaders of that country like Lincoln and Washington.
But there were many other great leaders as well. Many of them are commemorated on their currency.
One favorite is Ben Franklin. Although he was never a President he had a major effect on the creation of these United States especially as an inventor and writer.
Ben Franklin is prominently featured on the front of every US $100,00 bill.

I wonder how much our Prime Minister, Tony Blair dreams about becoming as famous as one of them and creating a lasting memorial in the form of a Prime Ministers Day weekend?
What a joke, imagine this self promoting megalomaniac liar being celebrated in any way in the U.K. It makes my skin crawl. I'm not a supporter of any party in this country mainly because they all seem to be tarred with the same brush. I have to go back to Harold Macmillan to think of somebody really worthwhile and before that maybe Winston Churchill, although he was a bit of an old warhorse but he did pull us through the mess of the second world war.

I was quite young at the time of Harold Macmillan but I was around in the city of London at the time of the Profumo affair and used to visit a club in Lancaster Mews called The Stables Bar, where Christine Keeler used to hang out. I had run away from home and gone to London, not because I was unhappy at home but because it was 1963 and it was all happening in London, the Kings Road , Ready Steady Go , The 2 i's, The Marquee, The Flamingo, it was all the scene back then and there was an incredible atmosphere in London, I could walk the streets of London at 3am on my own with no fear of being accosted, assaulted or mugged, great days.

I was a 15 year old kid then, who looked 18 and so I was able to get into most places. I secured a job at a strip club which was called 'The Number 9' on Old Compton Street, an incredible experience for one so young back then. Run by two English guys which was unusual and the stage was upstairs as opposed to all the other clubs which were in seedy basements. The 18 girls who worked there weren't allowed to perform at any other club in Soho, unlike all the other girls who used to run from one club to another. On the second floor the girls had theatre style dressing rooms, a quiet room with a bed for rest and a well fitted kitchen. The acts were all choreographed daily and they used to pride themselves on the quality of their performance. I was in heaven.
Petrol was cheap, taxes were moderate and the standard of living was great. HP or 'The Never Never' as it was known then had just appeared and as "Super Mac" told us all back 1957 'You've never had it so good' and it was still good then and getting better.

Police on the streets commanded respect and kids were just kids, always up to mischief but with no malice. Times were changing but people had a better ethos and respect for each other.
Our hypocritical Prime Minister will never be able to claim such a thing, not that he's bothered, as long as he has his crooked friends in France, Germany and Italy he'll stay the same.

Today I will be experimenting

OK my second day at blogging. I'm trying to find ways to promote my blog so that people will visit and engage in an exchange of views, ideas and comments. To this end I've been visiting several other blogs to see how they do it. Just like the old days of running a BBS, we used to visit each others sites and compare ideas, our requirements were slightly different then, we needed to attract a specific audience from a very small group of people, compared to the millions that are available today.
Trying to concentrate on this while Arsenal play Blackburn in the FA Cup on TV is difficult and frustrating, I would prefer to watch the football, especially Arsenal, who are my favourite team and an absolute dream to watch.
Weather today is superb after all the rain, snow and cold, its a typical Spring day and the garden is shouting at me to go outside and do some necessary work.

What is this all about?

I'd better start out by making something absolutely clear. I am in no way the same Robin Nicholas, the renowned man of the same name who is a famous type designer, I am not related, connected or in any way associated with him, we just share two things, the same name and a passion about type. My history in type goes back a long way to a hot metal typesetters I bought many years ago.
Why the Typesetters Workshop?
Well a long time ago before Bill Gates became a megalomaniac I ran a BBS, that's Bulletin Board System for you newbies, called The Typesetters Workshop. It ran on a 386 PC under MS DOS 3.3, the best OS Microsoft ever produced.
The BBS software was called PC BOARD, some of you oldies might remember it, great piece of software. It was popular and we had the fastest modem you could get in those days, 4800 baud, and we thought that was fast, especially since my first modem was only 300 baud, like watching paint dry.
We ran a company which was a specialist typesetters and reprographic house and the BBS was opened up for our customers to send us files and for them to download utilities and files. We had visitors from all over the world even Australia and New Zealand. We've progressed since then and even though we still do prepress and typesetting we have diversified into digital print. http://www.colourtechgroup.com/
In those far off days there was no Internet as such but there were communities and conferences which was the beginning of the public Internet and we would echo our conferences to a BBS in New York called 'The Sound of Music'. Our users were all techies who were happy running an OS without a GUI and only a command prompt on screen. Joe public hadn't been introduced to 'Windows' software and Amstrad was still a retailer of music systems with just a drawing on a cigarette packet for a possible PC design ... it should have stayed there. Nonetheless, Gates, Sugar et al decided to cash in on the new possibilities of suckering the public into computers, what a terrible mistake. I am of the opinion that there are some people who shouldn't be allowed near technology, like cars, motorbikes, camcorders etc. They just don't have the right mind set for it.
Back in those far off days I realised that the Internet was going to take off and I wrote to British Telecom to ask them what they had in the pipeline for improving speeds over the telephone lines to facilitate better communications for people with computers. Their reply was amazing, they claimed that it was a passing fad and would never take off so they had no plans for expanding the system. I still have that letter they sent to me.


Thus Spake Gates

In the beginning, there was nothing but Apple. And the PC was without form and void, and the darkness was on the face of its hard drive. And Bill said, Let there be DOS: And there was DOS. And Bill looked upon it, and it was good, and with it the PC slew the Apple. And DOS grew and grew, until its number was legion if you counted the decimal points, and still it was good.

And Bill grew large with ambition, and he decreed there should be a processor of words; and lo, there was Word. And Bill sayeth, Let there be a thingy for the crunching of numbers, and lo, there was Excel, and did his kingdom grow apace.

But there had arisen in the land the thing called Macintosh, sprung from the intransigent Apple-men, and Bill looked upon it, and it was better

Rapidly did he decree that Word should be made to run upon it, and after that Excel, and then all the other fruits of his efforts, but still he was wrathful.

So Bill did order his minions to come forth with Windows, and when they did, he looked upon it, and it was bad.

So he sent them back to try again, assuring all the world they would get it right this time, yet they did not.

Unrelenting, Bill forced yet a third mighty blow, and when it came forth, Bill did order his trumpets to blow, and his chorus to sing, and his criers to cry, until the din could be heard throughout the land; and when he looked upon this third version of Windows, he saw it was not all that great, but like hotcakes did it sell.

And thus did Bill gloat, for the world proclaimed he had matched the lowly Macintosh, and his praises were sung throughout the land.

And so he ordered another, mightier, more magnificient version made, and his henchmen and henchwomen did labor hard.

Still it was not forthcoming in the year promised, nor the year promised next, and rumors did abound, and magazines did overflow with secret peeks, and columnists did heap their scorn upon it. And came the minions of the Justice Department, bent upon proving Bill monopolous, yet before his wrath did they quail, and proclaim him innocent, mostly.

And that which was once called Chicago became known as Windows 95, and the suspense built throughout the land, and Bill, remembering what had gone before, set about building a great Hype.

Into his Hype he put the greatest mouths of the land, and scattered the fruits of his profits so heavily that he bought hosts of angels to sing, and Rolling Stones songs, and trumpets and horns and drums without number. As the time of birthing grew nigh, he purchased television time without end, and appeared thereon himself, and bought entire editions of newspapers to give away unto the faithful, and traveling circuses to visit each great city.

And so when Windows 95 was born did hysteria rule the land, as the choirs sang and the trumpets and horns did blare and the televisions and the newspapers charge their followers to go forth and buy.

Heeding this, the populace did rush to the marketplace at the stroke of midnight, when even the cock doth sleep, and did push and shove and come even to blows the better to secure their own copies lest they be thought ignorant, or uncool, or hamsters in the eyes of Bill.

And Bill looked upon what he had wrought, and he giggled, and rubbeth his hands together, and even in the moment of his triumph, began to think of Next Time.