Wednesday, 28 February 2007

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife went in for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on about neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable -- an entire laundry list of unmet needs she'd endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, asked her to stand, then embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman, deeply moved, quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I fish on Fridays."

Still hiding away

Usually at this time of year I go around the pubs I visited over Christmas and the New Year, to apologise for my behaviour. This year is different for several reasons. I have the excuse of a house move just before Christmas which as I explained to everyone who asked, was too much of a strain to allow me to enjoy the holiday, I was too exhausted to enjoy the partying and drinking.
In truth I am still trying to get over the deep embarrassment of my behaviour the year before.
I don't drink a lot, well not nowadays anyway, so when I do attend the end of year festivities I usually go overboard and behave in a foolish, childish way. Nothing bad really, I fall over, fart now and then, grin foolishly at everyone and annoy all and sundry by telling them that I think they are great people and I love them all and we must keep in touch. I'm one of those who doesn't get aggressive when drunk, quite the opposite, I love the world, even Phony Tony.
I usually go around the places in question, usually about this time to have a quiet drink and apologise to the landlord/landlady and anyone else who remembers my behaviour. Its all taken in good humour and I feel better for having done my penance and we all depart friends.
2005 Christmas was different, I'm still doing my penance and all because I let my tongue run away with me.

It seems, according to my long suffering partner that after drinking copious amounts of lager, Jack Daniels and Brandy, I became more than a little foolish.
It culminated in me asking EVERYONE, in a loud drunken slur. "Would you like to sit on my face?" Seems there were no takers, except for one guy who misheard what I said and tried to take me up on the offer, until my partner pointed out that I had actually said "SIT ON MY FACE". Silence, until I burst into a fit of giggles and promptly fell over and farted again.
I'm not a small guy, too big according to my doctor, so getting me back on my feet was a feat in itself.
The next morning after the fourth cup of tea I was told the story to which I had no recollection and as I listened appalled and embarrassed I realised it would take more than a simple apology to clean this one up, especially as I had really asked everyone, male and female.
I still haven't figured out just how to overcome the problem and when I bump into people that I know, I hold my breath waiting for some comment or other, which never happens as they are too decent to even mention it.
I know it will rear its head one day and until that time comes, I will continue as if nothing has happened, just what I'll do on that day of reckoning I'm not sure.

Monday, 26 February 2007

Final Arrangements For My Death

I've tackled the tricky subject of my demise, which I hope is still years away. Not for me the slow drawn out existence in a nursing home, paying for my keep out of my savings and pension, nor do I want to lie on a hospital bed when the last thing I see are loved ones crying at my bed side and doctors and nurses with grim faces hovering in the background, just waiting to harvest my reusable bits.
If I discover that some fatal cancer has taken hold of my body or I reach a time when I can no longer be expected to live an independent life, then I will secure a large bottle of extra strong Mogadon pills or similar and take myself off to a comedy show, preferably in London at a top venue and secure my own box with champagne, a large joint, some Belgium chocolates and a soft cushion. I want to die at the right moment, tears of laughter streaming down my cheeks and with the sound of other peoples laughter in my ears.
After I die, I want to be buried at sea, not cremated, my whole body must be consigned to Davy Jones Locker, deep six it, weighted down and sunk.
I can think of no sound that is more sensual or soporific than the sound of the sea, combined with its motion, its the most beautiful experience I have ever had, instant penile reaction.
Its my way of giving back to this earth that has amazed me, fed me, clothed me and at times left me stunned with its beauty.
The little fishes will eat my body and then the bigger fishes will eat them and so on until eventually they will be caught in the nets and served up as food. With any luck, within 12 - 18 months I'll find myself back inside at least a dozen women, however if my luck doesn't hold I could end up inside a tin of cat food on a supermarket shelf.

Why We Love Children. Cooked slowly in a moderate oven they taste just like chicken.

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stayout!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy"

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two,that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair
cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

His and Her Prayers


Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong

One who loves to listen long

One who thinks before he speaks

One who'll call, not wait for weeks

I pray he's gainfully employed

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed

Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end, and always be my very best friend



I pray for a deaf mute nymphomaniac with big jugs who owns a bar, a Ferrari and a fishing boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a toss


Cyber Sex - The Reality

Seven Wonders - needs no explanation