Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife went in for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on about neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable -- an entire laundry list of unmet needs she'd endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, asked her to stand, then embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman, deeply moved, quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I fish on Fridays."

Final Arrangements For My Death

I've tackled the tricky subject of my demise, which I hope is still years away. Not for me the slow drawn out existence in a nursing home, paying for my keep out of my savings and pension, nor do I want to lie on a hospital bed when the last thing I see are loved ones crying at my bed side and doctors and nurses with grim faces hovering in the background, just waiting to harvest my reusable bits.
If I discover that some fatal cancer has taken hold of my body or I reach a time when I can no longer be expected to live an independent life, then I will secure a large bottle of extra strong Mogadon pills or similar and take myself off to a comedy show, preferably in London at a top venue and secure my own box with champagne, a large joint, some Belgium chocolates and a soft cushion. I want to die at the right moment, tears of laughter streaming down my cheeks and with the sound of other peoples laughter in my ears.
After I die, I want to be buried at sea, not cremated, my whole body must be consigned to Davy Jones Locker, deep six it, weighted down and sunk.
I can think of no sound that is more sensual or soporific than the sound of the sea, combined with its motion, its the most beautiful experience I have ever had, instant penile reaction.
Its my way of giving back to this earth that has amazed me, fed me, clothed me and at times left me stunned with its beauty.
The little fishes will eat my body and then the bigger fishes will eat them and so on until eventually they will be caught in the nets and served up as food. With any luck, within 12 - 18 months I'll find myself back inside at least a dozen women, however if my luck doesn't hold I could end up inside a tin of cat food on a supermarket shelf.

Why We Love Children. Cooked slowly in a moderate oven they taste just like chicken.

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stayout!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy"

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two,that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair
cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

His and Her Prayers

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong

One who loves to listen long

One who thinks before he speaks

One who'll call, not wait for weeks

I pray he's gainfully employed

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed

Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end, and always be my very best friend

Amen





MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf mute nymphomaniac with big jugs who owns a bar, a Ferrari and a fishing boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a toss

Amen

Cyber Sex - The Reality

Birds and Bees Chat

A little boy goes to his father and asks

"Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers:

"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared. that said:





You got Male!

Crack in the Airplane window..Unbelievable!

Pretty scary as USAir is one the predominant carriers in our little market.

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!

Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame! Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on.
This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9. I'll definitely think twice before flying USAir.

YOU GOTTA LOVE THIS ONE

THIS IS A CEILING MURAL IN A SMOKER'S LOUNGE.

THE NEW "AGEING" ALPHABET

A is for apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!!
May your troubles be less, your blessings be more
and nothing but Happiness come through your door.

Politically Correct

Politically Correct Terms For Males
He does not get : DRUNK, He becomes : CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
He does not : SEND YOU FLOWERS, He commits : BOTANICAL BRIBERY
He will never : GROW BALD, He will become : FOREHEAD ENHANCED
He does not wear : TOO MUCH COLOGNE, He commits : FRAGRANCE ABUSE
He is not : IMMATURE, He is : CHRONOLOGICALLY IMPAIRED
He is not : GOOD LOOKING, He is : OPTICALLY SUPERIOR
He is not : DULL, He is : CHARM FREE
He is not : A GOOD KISSER, He is : ORALLY SKILLED
He does not have : A NICE CHEST, He is : PECTORALLY SUPERIOR
He does not : SNORE, He is : NASALLY REPETITIVE
He does not have : A GREAT TAN, He is : PIGMENTALLY ENHANCED
He will never get a : BEER BELLY, He will become : ABDOMINALLY EXTENDED
He does not have : A NICE BUTT, He is a : WELL-ROUNDED INDIVIDUAL
He does not have : A GREAT BODY, He is : ANATOMICALLY GIFTED
He does not get : DRUNK, He is : ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

Politically Correct Terms For Females
She does not have : BIG HOOTERS, Her : CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not : TOO SKINNY, She is : SKELETALLY PROMINENT
She does not : SHAVE HER LEGS, She experiences : TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not : SUN BATHE, She experiences : SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never : SAG, They will : LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not : SHOP TOO MUCH, She is : OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She is not : EASY, She is : HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not : HATE SPORTS ON TV, She is : ATHLETICALLY BIASED
You do not ask her : TO DANCE, You request a : PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not : A GOSSIP, She is a : VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not : WORK OUT TOO MUCH, She is an : ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have : A GREAT BUTT, She is : GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not : HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS, She is : MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not : COLD OR FRIGID, She is : THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not : GET PMS, She becomes : HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not : WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP, She is : COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have : GREAT CLEAVAGE, Her breasts are : CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never : GAIN WEIGHT, She will become : A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not : A SCREAMER, She is : VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not have : A KILLER BODY, She is : TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not : A BAD COOK, She is : MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not : A BAD DRIVER, She is : AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She does not : GET DRUNK, She becomes : VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She does not : CUT YOU OFF, She becomes : VOCALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have : BIG HAIR, She is : OVERLY AEROSOLED

For my money this is a load of rubbish as is anything that prevents you from speaking your mind. If you are old and infirm or you are ESN then you excused the faux pas, but ordinary people are instructed to learn a new language, a new way of communicating their thoughts and expressions.

I agree that there are certain words that should be lost in history and never used again, but every day we are told that its now wrong to say this, that or the other, in case we cause offence. Just who are these people who are so offended?
No the trouble is that this pathetic government has let loose the imbeciles on us, its called 'Care in the community' and these pathetic individuals are determined to interfere with our lives.
These self same imbeciles walk down the lane where I live, remote and in the country, following an ordinance survey map, until they come to the part in the lane where the byway is flooded and impassable. At this point is the gateway to the drive which leads into the grounds of my farm house which is above the water line, but none the less the garden is still wet and muddy. It's obvious to anyone that this is private property, there is a house in the middle of a 1 acre block of land, all fenced off. Now these 'Green laners' who insist on using old byways by right, think nothing of walking onto my property and making a mud bath with their boots whilst they try to find a way through my grounds around the flooded lane. They never stop to ask permission or even attempt to keep off the plants that are growing there, instead they take it as their right to march through my property.

Well, a pox on them and their kind, I will resist them with force if necessary and throw their bodies in the lime pit, damned if I will allow such pathetic, morally bankrupt, mentally retarded, self righteous, illegitimate offspring interfere in my life.